Over the last two weeks, I’ve had to think about something my therapist felt that I was, she told me that she believed that I have narcissistic tendencies, all stemming from my ability to mask who I really am, am autistic person who just happens to have it all together.
Or, so it would seem. I never meant for it to turn up as it did, but still the fact that I couldn’t shake what she said really bugged me, then as now.
The thing is, after doing a lot of soul searching and talking with people who know me, I newer really let myself feel like what I was doing was ever good enough. I always felt that, no matter how good I was, no matter how great the accomplishments were (and still are), I never felt that it was good enough. From my cousins, my family or my friends, I always felt that what I did, or whom I was, was never good enough. I’m sure that most Spectrumites feel the same way, that nuerotypicals rule the world and we just live in it, or more like conform to their world. It feels like a bad dream that you just can’t shake off.
But in my case, I have to say that’s all on me.
I just shrugged it off, I didn’t think it was too big of a deal, that it was just something I could deal with on my own, even as it caused my mask to rent more space inside myself.
It’s so easy to lash out at those who try to help, since they aren’t in your shoes. Believe me, I’ve done it many times, especially to those including my therapist who were trying to help.
That said, though, these setbacks can be
difficult discouraging, so I’m not going to say that you should be strong since I know firsthand how challenging it will be. So I’m going to say that sometimes, it’s quite all right for your mask you break, to have it crack a little.
All that matters in the long run, though, is how you can make it work to your advantage and learn from it in the long run. I won’t say that it’ll be easy (it hasn’t been easy for me) but all you can do is
hope know that the discomfort is temporary.
So, know you’re not alone and know that it’s all right for you to crack once in a while, because only then can you learn and be a better person, one who’s willing to adapt and help others…