Ok, here goes, time for me to make a confession..
I’ve recently discovered more about myself, most notably is the fact that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, that is to say, that I’m very emotional and have a hard time showing a poker face when my feelings are hurt. I’m trying to work on that, but changing who I am is a lot easier said than done, moreso for Spectrumites who are learning about themselves and the world in which we all share. My local parish priest punctuated that during his homily two weeks ago: “God always forgives, humans sometimes forgive, but nature never forgives.” I felt them to be very wise words; they struck a chord with me, as I often do things wrong sometimes without me knowing about it.
Believe me, I’ve been there many times before, all depending on the event, the crowd as well as my mood at the time. One of these happened at the ARC of Ulster Greene’s Humanitarian Dinner last year where I was one of the people honored. It was very humbling and heartwarming for me to have people congratulate me on my hard work and look at me as a role model for them and others.
On the other hand, there are times where it feels like I’m the center of attention, even when I don’t really mean to be. There was a social event where it seemed where I was a celebrity and when I arrived, all the people swarmed in around me. Even though I was a regular person at the social event, the fact that I could drive myself, that I had a college degree and an outside job made me a hero in their eyes, which at times can get to be too overwhelming, over stimulating and pressuring for me to handle. Even with staff present, it felt that it wasn’t enough for me, like I was the leader and I felt like being asked to multitask when you’re used to talking to people one-on-one.
Recently, I’ve felt a need to attempt to forgive those who have wronged me not because I need to, but rather because I want to; in order to be the better person if I’ve been wrong. I’ve been told by a friend and co-worker that I’m the strongest person he knows; it’s only now that I’m beginning to see how right he is, how strong I can be, even in times when I wish to be stronger still. The only thing I can do is to breathe and ask people I’ve wronged to forgive me, I was naïve, stupid and confident to the point of arrogance in my youth, but I’ve grown a lot since then, especially in the last 5 years.
So, if I’ve ever hurt you, intentionally or not, I hope you see that I was wrong, that maybe we were both arrogant and stupid as much as the other was. So I give you all a gift, one that you can both give and receive all in your own way, the gift to be able to forgive yourselves and each other, because without kindness, understanding and yes forgiveness, we might not see the better world we want for ourselves and society as a whole. I can only hope that you accept it, so we can all find a way to….
Shine On!!!
The Autistic SuperBlog 